Short answer
It's incredibly painful when someone hurts you and shows no remorse. You are not alone in wrestling with this difficult question. Biblically, forgiving someone who isn't sorry isn't about excusing their actions or reopening yourself to harm, but about releasing the bitterness and anger that can poison your own heart. It's an act of obedience to God and a path toward your own healing, even if reconciliation isn't possible.
What Scripture says
"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
"bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."
"Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”"
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
Going deeper
It's an agonizing experience to be wounded by someone, especially when they refuse to acknowledge their wrong or express any regret. The pain can feel ongoing, and the idea of offering forgiveness can seem like an unbearable burden, or even an injustice. You might feel trapped, wondering how you can move forward when the person who hurt you has shown no change. Please know that your feelings are valid; God sees your pain and understands the complexity of your situation.
The Bible calls us to a radical kind of forgiveness, often modeled after God's own forgiveness of us. This forgiveness is not dependent on the other person's repentance. Instead, it's a decision you make in your heart to release the right to hold their offense against them and to relinquish the desire for personal vengeance. This does not mean forgetting the harm, condoning the behavior, or immediately rebuilding trust. It is primarily an internal act of letting go of the bitterness and resentment that can take root and harm you more than the initial wound. Colossians 3:13 reminds us to forgive 'as the Lord has forgiven you,' and God's forgiveness for us was offered while we were still sinners, unrepentant in our rebellion against Him.
At the heart of the gospel is Jesus Christ, who, 'while we were still sinners, Christ died for us' (Romans 5:8). He forgave those who crucified him, praying, 'Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do' (Luke 23:34). This divine example shows us that true forgiveness is not earned, but given. When we choose to forgive someone who is not sorry, we are reflecting the character of God and participating in the grace that has been so freely extended to us through Christ's sacrifice. This act of releasing the offender from your judgment frees *you* from the heavy chains of bitterness, allowing God's healing to begin in your own heart.
Practically, forgiving someone who isn't sorry often involves setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. You don't have to reconcile or re-enter a dangerous relationship. Forgiveness can be a quiet, internal process of giving the burden of the offense to God, trusting Him to handle justice as He sees fit (Romans 12:19). It might involve praying for the person who hurt you, not necessarily for their benefit, but to soften your own heart and release your grip on resentment. Seek wise counsel from a trusted pastor or counselor who can help you navigate this painful journey and find peace.
Key takeaways
- Forgiveness is primarily an internal act that benefits YOU, not condoning the offense.
- Biblical forgiveness is not dependent on the offender's repentance or apology.
- Forgiving does not mean forgetting, excusing the behavior, or reopening yourself to abuse.
- You are called to release bitterness and vengeance, entrusting justice to God.
- Forgiveness is a step towards your own healing and reflects God's character shown in Christ.
A prayer
Heavenly Father, my heart is heavy with this pain and anger. It's so hard to forgive when I feel so deeply hurt and the other person seems unconcerned. I know you call me to forgive, just as You have forgiven me through Jesus. Help me, Lord, to release this bitterness. Take my desire for vengeance and replace it with Your peace. Heal my wounded heart, and guide me in setting healthy boundaries. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Read the full passages
Every scripture cited above, opened for reading and study in context.